Judgement

Our new lives as foster parents has been an incredible journey.  There have been oh so many ups and downs and everything in between.  We are excited to continue and learn as we go.
This blog isn't the place for sharing details of our children's lives, but I do feel I need a place to express some of the things we've experienced.  So you'll need a little background information first.  About three months ago we took on an 11 month old infant boy (who has since learned to walk, but often prefers crawling.)  Then almost a month ago we were asked if we would like to take in two toddlers.  These two boys are ages 2 and 3 and are only ten months different in age.  We had had these boys in our temporary care in the past and we had fallen in love with them.  It seemed like a no-brainer at the time. 
But time has told that it isn't at all easy.  But no parent ever signed up for easy.  So now we have a 1,2, and 3 year old boys  living with us.  It has led to quite the adventures.
Yesterday we took a trip to a big city and went shopping with all of the boys.  In this environment of seeing hundreds of people we got quite the reactions.  In fact, I felt very judged.  Clearly my partner and I were traveling with three boys all very close in age.  What makes it even more interesting is that each boy has a different hair color, the two brothers are blond and brunette while the baby is a red head.  One stranger even came up to me and asked me how I did it.  She wanted to know how I got three boys with different hair colors.
Now, here is where I have a problem.  I don't want to tell people that these boys are foster children and that is why it is possible to have so many so close in age.  But, and maybe this is my issue I need to work on, I don't want people making judgments about me.  I don't want them to think that I'm promiscuous, or that I'm a bad planner, or a bad mother.  And perhaps the real problem is that I would most likely judge others if I saw the same situation. 
Maybe that is the whole point of this, maybe I need to judge others less.  Maybe I need to be more open to what others' are dealing with in their own lives. 
It's interesting what a stranger can teach you.

Buddy Cat

This week we said goodbye to our dear Buddy cat.  He had been sick for over nine months and nature finally took its course. 
Buddy was a big fluffy super loving, always purring cat.  He really was a lover.  He especially loved kids.  And he Loved his belly rubbed.  He would roll on the floor and take a belly petting anytime. 
We first noticed something wrong when he started losing weight.  He also developed a lump on his throat.  After several visits to the vet, ivs, pills, blood work, and lots of other care we realized that we could maintain his current condition for a while but that eventually we would have to let nature do what is does best. 

A few months back he started refusing to take his pills.  I knew this was his way of telling me that he was ready.  It wasn't long before he lost the ability and motivation to be around us like he used to.  He continued to eat and drink and take the love that we gave him. 
We started to talk about the decision.  The one every good pet owner has to make; have him put down or let him go naturally.  Anytime I thought about taking him to the vet he would try to roll on his back for belly loving, and I just couldn't do it.
And then it was clear that the end was near.  He no longer wanted to be around us.  He wanted to be alone.  Thursday night I told Loren that it was time.  We went downstairs to where he was resting.  We placed him on the guest bed, held his head up and told him how much we loved him.  We both laid with him, both remembering what an amazing gift he had been to us.  He began to purr.  He purred loudly for a long time, most likely using all the energy he had left inside of him.  We closed our eyes and waited.  His breathing began to slow.  At moments we imagined the last was the last and then another.  Again we told him we loved him, and he was gone. 
I don't know where kitties go after they die, but I hope Buddy has found a place to be happy and run around and get all the belly loving he can.  I know we'll miss him terribly but will take comfort knowing he was well loved and he isn't in pain anymore.

The Fundamentals

Isn't funny how we develop differently?  What seems to come naturally to one is so foreign to another.  These are important things to note if you want to have a healthy relationship with someone you love. 
My love and I couldn't be more different when it comes to having alone time.  While I know he can see the value of it and occasionally enjoys it, he was already bored with his vacation a mere five hours after I left for work this morning.  In his defense, it's not vacation he's less than pleased with, it's the time apart from me.  It doesn't quite feel like a vacation if you have to do it alone.  (He is a public school teacher so gets randomly selected days off so he didn't choose to have this time off.)
But for me, ah, for me, it's a very different tune I sing.  I rearrange my schedules so I can stay home, alone, all day Tuesday and Thursday.  It's time for me to enjoy quiet time, to get projects done, to relax, to talk to myself, etc.  Yes, I find talking to oneself is a great way to work things out, it's amazing how honest you can be with yourself. 
Yesterday I got out my sewing machine.  It was the one my dad bought for my mom on their first wedding anniversary (49 years ago.)  I love it (she didn't.)  I thought a lot about my dad while I sewed.  He's been in my thoughts lately.  I've been working on an afghan using up scrap balls of yarn that he used to roll for my mom. 
But I digress, the sewing yesterday may have been a little premature but only from the first glace as I was working with my stash of x-mas fabrics.  I realized last year how much of a waste wrapping paper was and decided to try to make some gift bags of cloth instead and reuse them.  So after the holidays I purchased some material on clearance and started to sew them up yesterday.  They are adorable.  They take about five minutes to sew each one and run about 25-50 cents depending on the size.  Best of all, I enclosed a drawstring ribbon so "wrapping" will so so quick, easy, green, cheap, and still look great.  And considering how busy and crazy hectic things get in December, having these done ahead of time is going to be amazing.
Just like spending the day full of quiet time for myself.  Maybe I'll have to work on a honey-do list to help my love pass the time until I return.

My own March Madness

I get antsy in the wintertime.  I don't want to stay in one place for very long.  (And if I do, there are consequences too.)  So I get out of the house.  But where do I go?  Well, we could go to the mall or some of my favorite stores, we could do some grocery shopping, or we could shoot over to Cornwall because they have some good thrift stores there.
And before I know it I'm lugging bags of stuff into the house.  Stuff that was too good to pass up.  Stuff I really most likely did not need but wanted.  We've been shopping the same stores in the mall now for months that we walk into the store and actually get disappointed when the sale rack looks exactly as it did three days ago.  And yet there is always some deal to find.  Over the last few months, we've scored corduroy jeans for the bf for five bucks, a Calvin Klein leather jacket for him for thirty, wool socks for two dollars a pair, and a nine west purse for me for three dollars.  All brand new.  And then there is the thrifting-like ten cent men's ties. 
But due to a combination of monthly car repairs (see first post), not staying out of the mall, several birthdays in the last few months, and the occasional internet purchase for when I manage to stay out of the mall, my credit card statements are starting to look a little scary even for me.  (I pay the card in full each month.)  I think I'm spending too much money and so for March, I'm scrimping as much as I can.  I'm trying to stay out of the stores.  I don't need anything.  But I want....
I haven't ordered a single book from amazon this month and it's killing me.  There are so many knitting ones that I want.  I want to get more supplies, fancy stitch markers, circular needles in the length I prefer, fancy yarn,...oh the list just goes on.
But I'm being good.  I did reward myself yesterday to a trip to the thrift stores, but spent less than $25 for the whole day of thrifting.  I even found some really fancy yarn and some more ten cent ties to make my ugly tie quilt. 
So we will see how I do.  I start my spring break today after classes.  I have enough projects and ideas at my own house that it will be like shopping there, but everything will be free!  Can't get any better than that.

My needles were twitching

I'm not really sure who to blame.  It might be my friend Miss Margaret or maybe Miss Jackie or maybe even the boyfriend or perhaps old man winter.  It doesn't really matter why it happened; I'm just glad it did.  It actually began sometime in late January when I picked up the scarf that had been on my knitting needles since sometime last winter.  The bf and I had purchased matching yarns (blue for boys and pink for girls) to knit each other a scarf.  He had never knitted before, and I was going to share my knowledge with him.  My mom had taught me how to knit when I was young, maybe elevenish.
I started to work on the scarf and remembered how much I enjoyed knitting and how it had been a long time since I'd seen anything come to fruition.  So I made it my goal, by the end of the month I would finish that scarf.  And then it happened, there was yarn left over--enough yarn to make a matching hat.  So on to the needles it went.  And I had a new project to finish for February.  But what about that afghan I had been meaning to finish that my mom had bought me the yarn for a year ago xmas?  It was all shades of pink and what project would be better to finish in the month celebrating love?  By this time I had a weekly knit night planned with my friend Margaret who was in my neighborhood on Thursdays.  We were fantastic encouragement for one another and in no time at all I had finished several hats and was in my craft room looking for projects that needed to be completed.  A scarf from nearly four years ago finally made it off the needles and while I was in there I found some lovely yarn that would make a quick skinny scarf (warmer weather must be on its way soon.)
All the while I had reconnected with a wonderful friend from many years ago.  Quite the inspirational woman now and she gave me the extra push to get my butt in gear.  Sharing ideas and inspiring concepts made me a do-er again.
The grand total by the end of the month of February included a total of two finished projects that were started previously (one afghan and one scarf), seven pointy elf hats, two regular hats, and one skinny scarf.  Of course on March first I finished my first sweater.  Okay, so maybe it's a mini sweater that I made a refrigerator magnet out of it.  But it's still quite an accomplishment.
And it hasn't stopped there...I've made one more pointy elf hat and one more regular hat.  I've got a mitten on one set of needles and one long (but unfortunately not long enough) leg warmer also on the needles.
Perhaps the most thrilling project occurred this weekend.  I finally have curtains in my living room thanks to a snowy Sunday morning in my craft room.  It feels so good to have them up as I've lived in my house about eighteen months and owned the fabric for over a year.
I can't wait to see what else these last winter months will bring.

On the topic of Babies

I'm thirty three and childless.  For some reason those two things in combination incite feelings that perhaps I wouldn't make a good mother.  Yes, you may be thinking, oh that's not true and in fact I would agree with you.  It is not my opinion, it is those around me.  I have no doubts that parenthood is challenging, but I get this impression that once you have babies you adopt the mantra that it is so hard that others couldn't possibly do what they do.  And I am by no means suggesting that I think it would be a piece of cake, but I'd like to know that you can imagine that perhaps I too would be a good parent.
I expect that when one becomes a parent their whole world changes, and they can't remember what it was like to be single and childless.  They don't remember a time without diapers and bottles and waking up in the middle of the night to that unknown sound.  There are many decisions and choices made as parents.  There's no spur of the moment weekend trips to Virginia Beach.  Everything has to be planned.  Everything is much more complicated.  And therefore those without babies can't even begin to imagine what that could be like.  But they forget....they too were at one point in their life-childless.  And they managed.  Please give me the same encouragement you received before you were with child.
And now that my soapbox has been properly used, I'd like to talk about where we went Monday night.  We went to an informational foster parent meeting.  I absolutely have hopes one day of having babies of my own, but the bf got me thinking about this.  We're several months from taking a child into our home (lots of training and inspections.)  And the intent of the foster care system is to remove children from unstable homes and place them in a safe and loving place with the hopes of returning them to an improved home.  What a fantastic service to our community to help a child.  A child in need. 
But I haven't told many people because I'm afraid of what they will say.  I'm afraid I won't get the support I have given for years. 
Of course there are alternative reasons for exploring this avenue.  First, what an amazing way to dip your toes into parenting.  My partner and I can learn a little at a time about the type of parents we want to be.  And then someday after we have our own two babies and I'm too old to have the five babies I want we can adopt those that can't go home.  We can make our home theirs.

The timing of things

Do you ever wonder how you got so far off the tracks?  My bestus friend in the whole world became my friend in ninth grade.  We were inseparable.  We both had grand visions of our lives ahead of us.  We both went to college.  He met the love of his life and shortly after college was engaged and buying a house.  I spent the year following college graduation in South Korea.  It was a year of adventure but it soon brought me home to get a local job.  I took a couple of graduate level courses while working and realized I wasn't done with school just yet.  My bff found his dream job and started saving for retirement.  I was in his wedding almost ten years ago and the paths since then couldn't have been more different.
He and his wife became public school teachers and started to travel the world on cruises.  They bought professional people's vehicles and did home renovations.  They made friendships with people who lived near them.
I lived on graduate student wages and bought the cheapest car I could find and convinced myself I would drive it till it fell apart (I'm still driving it today...knock on wood.)  I took on part time jobs and lived mostly paycheck to paycheck.  I was single for a long time then became the serial monogamist moving from one long term relationship to the next.  I didn't find my "career" until about three years ago and even then I was resistant.  I finally bought a house eighteen months ago.  I've had to say goodbye to so many wonderful people because my lifestyle demanded a lot of movement. 
About five years ago, my friend started talking about having a family.  Like most of his decisions I wished that he would wait a little longer.  Not because I thought he wasn't ready, but because I wasn't ready.  I was so far behind him I thought I would never catch up.
Today he sent pictures of his two beautiful kids.  They will be two and four this year, and they will break your hearts and ovaries.  They are precious.  And once again, a peek into my friend's life leaves me wondering if I took the right path.  If I had followed him, I could have had all of that. 

Due to the cost of Parsnips

Have I mentioned how much I enjoy my work community?  I enjoy my job itself, but it's really the environment that makes it that much better.  It began in the winter three years ago when a coworker and I decided to start a ladies' soup group.  It has grown since thing to include the occasional man or student and is rarely soup.  The four women who teach in the department (coincidentally only on MWF) take turns on MWF to cook for the others.  When the fare is vegetarian we extend the offer to our chair of the department.  How can that hurt?  The cooking is fantastic.  We get to try new things and share favorite recipes.  We get to bring foods that our own families are tired of or never really liked in the first place. 
There's something wonderful about joining together with coworkers over a home cooked meal in the middle of the day that makes you feel like a part of another family.  For that, I am very blessed.
For the most part we try very hard to keep shop talk away from the table.  So the conversations take many turns.  Often we talk about food.  Today was no exception as the topics of buying locally grown beef and vegetables came up.  I think I made a deal to swap some ground beef with one of the other ladies, her's is too lean for her taste and mine too fatty. 
We talked about canning.  Last summer my man bought me a bushel of tomatoes locally grown (and beautiful) for ten dollars a bushel.  I said "I couldn't grow them for that."  And I heard my dad saying those exact words. 
It might be winter of 2011, and it might be very cold outside.  And we might just see that huge snowstorm they keep promising.  But inside is the memory of summer and warm days ahead.  And tomatoes.  Big beautiful juicy tomatoes.  On toast with a little mayo.  Someday soon.

Where did January go?

December came and went.  It was a great month.  Holiday parties and gatherings.  We hosted our first (hope to be annual) cookie exchange party.  Our friend Clare made the most amazing cherry macaroon cookies that I desperately want to make myself but considering the damage the first batch did to my waist line, I've held off.  I'm not sure how much longer I can wait.
But that is not to say that the oven has not been put to good use.  For the cookie swap I had Clare bake up some peppermint chocolate biscotti from a recipe in a magazine.  They were so tasty I made a second batch a few weeks later.  You see the recipe calls for crushed up peppermint candies.  And what better way to use up all of those boxes of candy canes you can find for pennies at the stores these days. 
And then came the bread.  My man is a lover of bread.  He's made so much bread in the last two months that I can't possibly really blame the cookies for the spike in the waistline.
So for a nice gift a few weeks ago I ordered him a book that promised artisan breads in only five minutes a day.  It is fantastic and so easy.  And now the breadline is expanding (like my waistline.)  I think he plans on working through every recipe in the book.  Where he'd get an idea like that is just beyond me.
Okay, it's not so inconceivable considering I've been going on about my favorite book for months.  You see, back in October I ordered a book on canning.  As I drooled over each page I realized it had to make it on my thirty in my thirties list to make the entire book. 
I've made some good progress and post pictures to facebook every time.  And after much encouragement, I've come back to my blog to share with you some of my culinary canning concoctions. 
I do hope that you will enjoy reading, looking at, and possibly drooling over them as much as I enjoy making them.
This week has seen some spicy carrot pickles, cumin and paprika turnip pickles, and grapefruit marmalade.  Stay tuned for more details and photos (and taste testing results!)